Bound by the Past
by racefh853629
Summary: In the solitude of the end of a normal day, a tormented man reflects on his life.
1. Prologue

A/N: I don't own CSI:Miami, CBS, or any other known entity. This is an alternate universe, and takes place after Season 6's finale. In this universe, Horatio really was shot at the airport, but survived. It's a relatively short story, having only four parts, but I hope you guys enjoy it. Please, please review. :)

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Prologue

_"I have a number of memories up here, not all are good," he told her as he arched his eyebrows and took his characteristic stance. "So, I apologize. Umm, let's go get Al."_

She never said a word to him about it, but he knew she didn't need to. This was personal, not business, and she wasn't the type to put her nose in there. At least, she didn't seem like the type. He didn't really know what she was like, to be completely frank about it.

And Horatio Caine was nothing if not frank.

As he flipped the paper over in his hand, he thought back on everything he had gone through in his fifty-odd years of living. Life had never been simple for him, and as he reminisced in the silence of his office, he couldn't help but think about what was right and what was wrong.

Law dictated right and wrong, and what justice meant. But who dictated the law? It was a battle that he thought back to every day. From day one, he fought right versus wrong, good versus evil, and struggled with the authority to which he was bound. He managed to get through with his own code of ethics that he expected those around him to live up to.

But, at times like these, he wondered if his own ethics were just as messed up as the criminals he put away for a living. After everything that was going on, everything that had happened, part of him just wanted to get out of Miami and get away from the bad memories.

The only problem was that the only other place he had ever called home held even more bad memories for him. And as he continued to flip the page over and over with his fingers, lounging in his chair and staring out the window into the Miami sunset, he knew that there was a lot more to these memories than he was willing to admit.

It wasn't just thinking about his mother's death. It was more than remembering how he killed his father for beating his mother. It ran deeper than being served with the civil suit that day in front of Stella Bonasera, who was a fine detective, if he did say so himself.

It was the fact that, no matter how hard he tried to be otherwise, he was shackled by the experiences he had faced. The haunting of his past, the bad moments, the pain. All these things bound him into the existence he had now.

He sighed, thinking of the hard admission he just made to himself. He usually never wanted to admit that he was still constrained by his past. He was as tied to New York as he was to Miami, the chains holding him so forcefully in what had been that sometimes, it was hard to move.

He had prided himself on being strong, but in these rare moments, where he let down his guard, he was as broken as the next man. He wasn't one for weakness, surely not one to show it, and would never admit it to another living human being. But, in this moment, he had to admit that he was human, and he had been bashed around several times in his life.

And now, he found himself stuck in the middle of an internal war. The war between whether he was doing the right thing or if he was doing the wrong thing. Was he saving lives, or just taking them unabashedly? Was he really making a difference anymore, or was he working his way to becoming part of the problem?

*~*~*~*

Calleigh stopped in, standing in the doorway. "Horatio?" she asked softly. He turned his head, greeting her with his normal half-smile.

"Calleigh," he replied, matching her tone. There was no need for an added volume, as they were two of the only people in the area.

"I just wanted to tell you I'm headin' out. Eric and I wrapped that robbery case."

"Good, good." She nodded, biting her lip. In years past, Horatio had been so involved with his team, helping them on every case they had, being their best friend when they needed it. But the years had clearly taken their toll on him, and Calleigh found that sad. Lost in his exterior, she knew that kindhearted man still existed, but it was digging through the outside that would take a while.

"Well, I'm leavin'. Don't stay too long, okay?" She smiled, giving him a wink to indicate she was being playful with him. He smiled genuinely in response.

"I won't, ma'am."

She nodded, sighing. "Oh, and in case I hadn't said this yet, it's great seein' you back on your feet, boss. Take care."

"Thank you, and you too, Calleigh."

"Good night." She turned, walking out the door. Just before it closed behind her, she heard his quiet reply.

"Good night, Calleigh."

*~*~*~*

After Calleigh departed, Horatio felt there wasn't much left to do anymore. At least, not in his office. He stood up, grabbing his keys off his desk, and walked toward the door. Shades in hand, he walked away, leaving the building for the solitude of his home.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Thank you so much to those who reviewed this story! It's been my pet project for the better part of a year, and it's nice to see that you guys enjoy it. :) See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as well, and please review! :)

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Chapter 1

Sleep wouldn't come to him, as it hadn't for weeks. Horatio had been sitting in his living room since leaving the lab earlier, but now decided to move to the porch in the warm summer night. He stepped outside with a small glass of ice and a bottle of scotch, pouring himself a double before leaning against the railing.

He looked out into the night, watching the waves crash against the desolate shore. While the night was warm, it was too late at night for anyone to be out walking around. Or, at least Horatio was hoping no one was still walking around now. It was a good time for predators to be around.

Horatio shook his head, trying to put work out of his mind. He found that to be a more difficult task than it should have been. But it wasn't the hardest time he had ever had getting his mind off of work.

A lot of his career in New York could be said to be the same way- hard to let go of. And back then, his only solace was sitting out on his balcony with a bottle of scotch, watching the city bustle below him.

It hadn't been as hard to leave and take the position in Miami as he had expected it to be. Then again, by the time he left, he had been alienated from pretty much everyone on his staff, so there wasn't much to leave.

The only things that haunted him were the memories.

*~*~*~*

_The dark shadows of the alley threatened to engulf him as he crept along his path. His gun was drawn, more to keep people from bothering him than anything else. As he got to the corner, he heard the voice of a known drug dealer he had personally arrested several times. It was followed by yet another voice he recognized._

_That of his partner._

_None of this was a surprise, because Horatio had known for some time that his partner had a drug problem. Horatio stayed where he was, listening to the conversation._

"_You said $300," Horatio's partner said._

"_You're a cop," the dealer said. "I don't trust you."_

"_But you're still going to sell to me?"_

"_$500."_

"_It's only a kilo."_

"_$500 or I'm leaving."_

"_Or, option number 3."_

_Before Horatio could react, there was a short burst of gunfire. Horatio stepped around the corner, aiming his gun at his partner._

"_He pointed the gun at me," the partner said._

"_Detective, if I were you, I would stop talking and make this easy," Horatio replied._

"_Come on, Horatio."_

"_I heard what you said. Now, let's not make this any harder, okay?"_

"_What, you're going to arrest me?"_

*~*~*~*

Horatio sighed, taking a long drink from the glass. That night didn't end well, as his partner was killed while Horatio tried to arrest him. And as a now older and somewhat wiser Horatio stared into the darkness of the night, he couldn't help thinking about how much he wished things had been different.

That night, coupled with his style and other methods of working, had made him stand out amongst his colleagues, and not in a good way. None of them trusted him anymore, as they all felt that he sold out his partner. Even worse, when it came to the end, Horatio had fired the fatal shot. The rest of the officers didn't trust him.

He had been thankful that a position had opened up in Miami. It was as far away from New York he could get, which had made him happy. But he had always felt that he had taken the coward's way out of New York, which was why he always had a bad feeling whenever he thought back on those days.

Those days haunted him, leaving ghosts surrounding him. And, try as he might, he couldn't make them go away any more than he could reconcile with them. He took another long drink from the glass, draining it completely. He poured himself another double, sighing heavily as he stared out into the depths of the beach.

He took another drink, letting his mind fade away from thoughts of New York back into Miami. Another place where his career hadn't been what he had expected it to be. Then again, he didn't exactly want to think about that right now, either. He cleared his throat, finishing the rest of his drink before deciding to take a walk on the beach.


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I'm glad you guys are liking this story, and thank you so much to those who are reviewing. This chapter's a little bit longer, and also the second to last. I hope you guys enjoy it, and please review! :)

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Chapter 2

The night was warm, but the sand was cold, crinkling and sticking to his bare feet as he walked along the shore at the water's edge. The waves crashed around his ankles, and he stopped, turning to face the dark waters of the unknown. He never heard the footsteps behind him, but he also knew that he wouldn't have.

Ghosts don't make footsteps.

"Knew it wouldn't be long before you were here," both of them said at the same time. Had that been unexpected, they probably would have laughed, but given that both of them had been in this position so many times, the humor was gone.

"You've been doing a lot of thinking lately," the newcomer said. "More than usual."

"I have," Horatio replied, staring at the water.

"Figure anything out?"

"Not really, no."

"I guess the million dollar question is, did you expect to?"

Horatio shrugged. "I'm not sure."

"Sure you do," the shadow of his past said.

"I always expect to, but also know that I never will," Horatio conceded.

"As such is life."

"Such is."

A long sigh was followed by an even longer silence. It was only the two of them on the beach, both staring out into the darkness. Only one of them was looking for something. The other was supposed to help, but wasn't sure how.

"I let you down," Horatio said softly after a moment.

The figure beside him scoffed lightly. "Shouldn't that be the other way around?" he asked.

"Why would it be?"

"I got myself killed, Horatio."

"It's my fault, Speed."

Speed's figure shook his head. "H, you know that's not true. If I had cleaned my gun better… you and I both know that things would have turned out a lot differently."

Horatio said nothing, looking down the beach.

"It's been four years," Speed said.

"Yes, it has," Horatio replied.

"Getting shot… that made you want to reconcile the ghosts?"

"Not exactly."

"Then what exactly are you doing, Horatio?"

Horatio sighed, turning his head to glance briefly at Speed's ghost before turning to the water and putting his hands on his hips. "I'm not sure," he replied.

Speed scoffed again, slightly louder this time. "You're always sure of everything," the ex-CSI observed. "You being unsure means the world's coming to an end."

Horatio cut a glance at his long since fallen comrade, causing Speed to smirk.

"A little funny?" he asked.

"Not really," Horatio replied.

Speed shrugged, looking out across the water. Horatio followed Speed's gaze with a heavy sigh. The waves continued to crash quietly around his ankles, leaving him to realize that they weren't doing the same for Speed.

Yet another reminder of what he'd lost.

"I meant that question, H," Speed said, looking at his former boss. "What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" Horatio asked.

Speed physically turned to Horatio. "I mean, what are you doing? Changing like you have."

"People change as they age."

"Not like you."

"What do you mean?" Horatio repeated.

"What I mean is you're not you. You haven't been you for a long time. The you I knew when I was alive would have never killed someone in cold blood, taken out an entire gang just for the hell of it, or done a lot of the things you've done. You wouldn't keep your team, your family, at arm's length. You don't leave anyone high and dry, but you're not the way you used to be. What happened, H?"

Horatio said nothing, looking away from Speed and down the beach.

"Did I cause this?" Speed asked softly.

Horatio shook his head, looking down at his bare feet. "No, you didn't," he assured his friend after a moment.

"Then what did, Horatio? If my dying wasn't the trigger, what was?"

Horatio looked down at his feet, watching the water swirl around his ankles as the waves rolled over the beach. Speed simply watched on in silence, his patience having grown in his death.

"It wasn't just your death," Horatio finally said after a few minutes. "It was… the overwhelming failure I felt."

"You never failed me," Speed said.

Horatio half-chuckled bitterly. "You're still dead."

"There wasn't anything you could do about that."

"I kept having nightmares," Horatio said, ignoring Speed's comment. "Only, it wasn't you who died…"

"It was you," Speed finished for him. "You're still alive, Horatio."

"I know."

Speed moved closer, his ghost practically on top of Horatio. Yet the older man felt nothing. "What else is it?" Speed asked softly.

Horatio swallowed, keeping his gaze fixed on the water engulfing his feet. "There's no way to stop Ryan and Eric from fighting," Horatio said finally. "God knows Calleigh has tried."

"Have you?"

"I wouldn't even know what to say."

"That they're a team and they should act like it. God knows I've tried telling Eric that enough. But he needs to hear that from you. Ryan needs to hear that from you. Eric needs to know that he's not crazy and that you still care. Ryan needs to hear that he's not the screw up he thinks he is. You think you've let me down, but I promise you haven't. If anything, you've let them down because you changed."

"I know I have," Horatio conceded. "But I can't change back."

"All you have to do is talk to them," Speed said. "Something you haven't done in a while. If you don't want to be open and honest with them, you don't have to. But you should talk to them. Because Eric feels like he's on his own, and Ryan feels like he's on his own. Calleigh's getting sick of playing sides. It's not fair to any of them."

"I know."

Speed half-snorted, smirking. "If you knew all this, what was the reason for me coming here?"

Horatio shrugged, still looking down. "I guess I just needed to hear someone else say that," he said.

"I've been saying that for years," Speed remarked.

"I know."

No one said a word, not sure if more words were necessary at the moment. After a period of silence, Speed spoke again. "What else is going on, H?"

"What kind of role model am I for Kyle?" he asked softly.

"At this moment, or in general?" Speed asked.

"Either."

"Right now, with your renegade style? Not much of one, given that the kid's already been down a similar road. But I know you. That's not you. You genuinely care about people. You're going to be a great father to him, and a great role model. You just need to stop this. You're flirting with the line between justice and murder."

"I know," Horatio whispered.

"He needs you to not go to jail," Speed continued. "He needs his father. Especially with how unstable his mother is and how Ron Saris is."

"I know."

"You know all of this," Speed said. "You've seen it, you've felt it. I've told you all of this a thousand times. How long will it be before you believe it?"

Horatio sighed, picking his gaze up from his feet to look over at the figure beside him. He stared at Speed for a moment before turning to look back out across the water. "I don't know," Horatio said.

And as silently as Speed had appeared, he was gone.


	4. Epilogue

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Thank you so much to all of you who reviewed. It means a lot to me. :) This is the last chapter of the story, so I hope you guys enjoy it. Thanks for coming along with me on this, and let me know what you think. :)

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Epilogue

He walked silently up the stairs of his deck, making his way toward his balcony door as the first few fingers of dawn stretched across the sky. After his conversation with Speed, he had stayed on the beach. He thought about his life, his existence, the world, and everything in between. And as the early morning joggers made their way onto the beach, he knew it was time to turn in, shower, and go to work.

He was beyond the point of needing sleep anymore anyway.

As he stripped out of yesterday's attire for the shower, he felt himself sigh heavily. Yesterday wasn't all that far out of his mind, and probably never would be so long as he let it consume him. But something Speed had said struck a chord with him.

"_You know all of this," Speed said. "You've seen it, you've felt it. I've told you all of this a thousand times. How long will it be before you believe it?"_

It had been the better part of four years already, and Horatio still wasn't listening. He still didn't believe in it. And as he stepped into the shower, he felt just as smothered and strangled as he had the night before, lost in his thoughts of yesterday and yesteryear.

Speed had been right, as he usually was. The team needed him to be better than he was. Kyle needed an actual father, not some rogue version of his old self. He needed to be open and honest with himself about who he truly was and who he wanted to become.

As the water rushed over his body, he felt more than just the physical grime he had accumulated in a day wash off of him. He felt part of the man he was becoming slip down the drain with the dirty water.

He couldn't help what happened to him, but he could choose how he responded to it. He didn't have to let it consume him the way it did. He didn't have to go down the path of blood and tears. He could become something else.

He could rise above.

Horatio figured that maybe that was what Speed had been trying to explain to him for the past four years. But something in him hadn't wanted to listen. Something in him didn't quite get it, either. But for some reason, it was suddenly all too clear.

Perhaps it had been thinking about Kyle. Perhaps it was thinking about poor Calleigh being stressed beyond belief at the battle between Eric and Ryan- the one that only went on hiatus when someone was hurt. Maybe it was realizing that no matter what had happened in New York, he wasn't there anymore and everything was okay now. Or maybe it was that he was finally realizing there was nothing different he could have done to prevent Speed's death.

Whatever it was, Horatio stepped out of the shower with a slightly new resolve. And as he dried himself off and headed into his bedroom, he promised that he would try his best to never abuse the power bestowed upon him by the state of Florida and the county of Miami-Dade. He dressed in his typical suit, and even though his attire was all black today, he already felt lighter than he had in almost four years.

Part of him would always carry the past with him. It was inevitable, because every moment of life left impressions on a person. But where he went from there, what he did with those impressions, was completely up to him.

Speed was right. Horatio didn't have to be like that. He could change. And the people around him deserved that much from him. His first plan of action was to make things up to the rest of his team, to be there for them like he should have been all along.

He stepped out of his house, squinting. The day seemed brighter than it had in years, and as he adjusted his sunglasses onto his head, he felt something in him that he hadn't in years.

He was looking forward to today.

The End.


End file.
